This woman, who’s literally the kind of woman I would have aspired to look like as a child, told Dr. Phil she believes to her very core that she is hideous.
Some might say it was a cry out for attention and that she was really just digging for compliments to boost her ego…I mean, come on she’s gorgeous! But I believed her. I believed she sincerely thought she was ugly.
She went on to discuss that she knows, logically, that she isn’t ugly to others because she always gets compliments. But when she looks in the mirror she doesn’t see it and just can’t believe anything people tell her. When she sees her self, she sees revolting scars (which don’t exist) and a repulsive face, and she’ll try anything to eliminate her imperfections.
Honestly, with these kinds of shows I sometimes think the stories have been blown way out of proportion for the sake of ratings. But this story felt different. It felt real because it struck a very deep cord with me.
Amidst her gentle sobs, as they publicly removed her make-up to reveal her seemingly vile face – which was actually very beautiful – I saw myself. And not until recently did I become conscious of my personal battle with the same sort of complex.
While it’s not as severe and I do think it’s improved over the years, I too see a very distorted image of myself when I look in the mirror. When others tell me I’m looking fit, I don’t see it, I see someone large. When people tell me my skin looks great without make up, I think they’re lying, I see dark circles and redness. It’s something I’ve battled for awhile, that until this show, I had no idea was an actual problem.
After some self-reflection – and watching the entire episode – I came to understand that this sort of negative reflection of myself is a product of my childhood. I wont go into huge details, as I plan to outline this in my book (And Then It Hit Me…), but in my younger years (10+ y/o) I absolutely hated myself. I mean loathed myself. And it was, for the most part, because of my weight.
Looking back, I now know just how serious it was – my self-talk was horrid. I never had anything nice to say about myself and I was my worst critic, screaming hurtful words in my head and sometimes out load in the mirror. I personally believe that after years and years of replaying such pessimistic thoughts in my head, I programmed my brain negatively. To never see the good in myself, but instead highlight the bad.
Since I had this epiphany a few days ago, I’ve been trying to re-wire my mentality. I’m going to public places without makeup, trying to avoid checking myself in the mirror about 20 times before I leave the house (that’s not a lie, I’m obsessed with checking the mirror) and working on saying nice things about myself in my head. I know the change won’t happen over night, but it is time for me to love myself entirely… after all, I am ‘stuck’ (I use this term lightly) with myself for the rest of my life.
Again, I will stress that over the course of my public journey these past few years, I have improved tremendously. But there is still some work that needs to be done. It’s so unhealthy not to love myself completely and unconditionally. So that will be one of my goals for 2013.
One of my other plans over the next few weeks will also include writing another e-book. As you may have noticed, I added a “Free E-Book’s” page to my website, where I plan to upload quick-guides of information conveying what I’ve learned about certain topics/adversities I’ve faced. My hope is that other people can use my experiences as a reference, to either help themselves or help others who are facing the same issues.
My first e-book, which is available now, is about helping loved ones who’ve been diagnosed infertile. My next e-book, which I plan to write soon, is going to be about childhood obesity and how to help your child though it. Hopefully, someone will find this information useful in understanding what their child is feeling and what their child may need from them, without even knowing that they need it.
I was that child once.