A few months back, I found myself in a place that I didn't want to be. And in this place all I felt was pain, abandonment, self-pity and purposelessness. Thankfully or unthankfully, I remained half logical and half emotional. I knew that, logically, my kind of thinking was unhelpful and pointless, but emotionally, I didn't seem to care. I just needed to hurt.
In this time, I couldn't even log on my my Facebook page or think about my book, but right now I want that to stop.
The truth is, I haven't had any massive breakthrough or realization during this painful time. I've learned a lot about myself and what I have to give...but that's about it. I still have a lot of fear, worry and anxiety from what transpired recently, and I'm still not sure how everything it going to pan out from this situation, but what's killing me the most is that right now I feel like have no goals. Yep, Kristen Adamson, the queen of goals!
It was in my bed this morning when I said to myself, "Kristen, what are you doing? You've always had clear goals to chase and right now you're just putting them on the back burner. Why?" I had no answer initially but then I think I figured it out.
You see, I'm someone that tends to move very quickly. I think my accident back in 2007 has re-wired my brain to want to propel forward extremely fast (there is a built-in fear of early death). So, when there is something I want in the world, I go after it right away - no ifs, ands or buts.
This was all great until I reached a point where I realized that not everything and everybody in this world can move as quickly as me. So now I find myself at a cross roads...
There is one thing that I want so badly, which I have worked hard at like no-other, but it's just not moving anywhere. It's certainly not my doing that it's moving so slowly, but it's lack of movement sure is affecting me. With this remaining stagnant, I've basically developed a fear of achieving my other goals - or even setting new ones! Because I know that when I achieve other ones, I will move forward and potentially be 'out of range' from this special one I've been working at so hard.
So in essence, I'm allowing one goal to hold me back. I just haven't decided if it's the right thing to do or not, yet. Do I give up on this thing I want so deeply in order to allow myself to move forward with other goals? Or do I wait around for months, years or decades for the day when something happens with this thing I want and then begin to move forward?
...And this is my predicament.
I do think that writing this blog is a breakthrough though. It means I'm doing something proactive, but it also tells me that, subconsciously, I'm working towards the latter option because my blog and my book (which I intend to continue writing soon) are part of a bigger picture I have planned for myself. By working on them, it means I'm taking baby steps forward.
I have to wonder, though. Maybe by moving forward with my other goals, the stagnant one will start moving? It may be somewhere positive or it could be somewhere negative, but I guess I'll never know until I try.
...I think I've found my answer.
“I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” - Jimmy Dean